Therapy Treatment
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How You Can Save A Marriage In Therapy
How you can Save A Marriage In Treatment
Why is it that most couples end up in therapy or counseling of some variety when their marriage gets so confusing and painful which they cannot bear it themselves? There is an assumption that a third party will somehow be able to save a marriage by doing a few of the work. So, how does this really work for them?
Prior to you get into a counseling session with your partner, both of you need to understand that it's not the definite cure to all of your difficulties. You cannot hire someone else to do the dirty work and make things all much better, no matter how skilled they might be.
Before even walking in the door to your very first session, have a clear understanding that the therapist is going to give an objective point of view, not validation to your own thoughts and feelings. If you go in there expecting this person to see that you are right and "fix" your partner, then you will get absolutely nothing out of it but frustration and disappointment.
A therapist is not heading to take sides or say one person is right and the other incorrect. Their work is essentially to steer the couple to working out the issues, which are produced equally by both of them. They both share bits and pieces of the blame, but treatment isn't about blame.
Marital problems are always deeper than someone not taking out the trash or constantly getting late for dates. What the therapist wants to do is get beneath all the squabbling and figure out what is really driving all of the unhappiness and ultimately wrecking your relationship.
There are deeper issues driving those petty arguments, and until those are fixed you'll continue to fight over every small point.
Couples who get into therapy knowing that finger pointing is useless and they both have their own flaws have a higher chance of success. Both people have to become willing to put their personal defensiveness aside and just listen to one an additional.
Let's think about an example. A man goes into a session and hears his wife saying how lonely she is. He feels this is definitely an attack on him for not getting house and he starts saying how he is the one usually working and she just sits at home. She is now defensive too. Yet, what would have happened if he just heard that she was lonely and did not make it about his work pattern? What if he just merely listened?
In order to save a marriage with the help of therapy, this husband would have to become willing to quietly listen to his wife talk about the loneliness without automatically assuming it's directed as an assault on him. He has to listen selflessly for it to work.
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